A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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STOPPING BY THE OFFICE ONE DAY
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
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TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
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Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
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With A Little Help From Friends
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for
the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served,
asked the bartender if he would get the money from his
wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the gl****** to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarr******ing at times. By
the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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Women are like an Internet Virus.
They ENTER your life, SCAN your pockets, TRANSFER your money, EDIT your mind, DOWNLOAD their problems, DELETE your smile and HANG you forever.
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_________________________________________________________________________
REPLY:
======
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support .. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
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Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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Loud, Mad, or Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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Solving a dispute
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."
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Laloo Jokes
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
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Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.
Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done!!!
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1. Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif.They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "Nawazbhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab akai-waalon ka kamaal hai," (All because of the Akai company people) says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free (They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR )... tho ham bhi Nawazbhai se keh diye: "aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!" (SO, I said to Nawazbhai - "You want Kashmir, right? Take it. But you will get Bihar free with it!")
2.Laloo Yadav suspects Rabri Devi of cheating on him. He thinks : "I have been so busy in politics. I hardly get any time make love. How come we have so many children. Rabri must be making it out with others. "So he goes unexpectedly to his bungalow one afternoon and sure enough he opens the door to find Rabri Devi in the arms of his chowkidaar. Well, Laloo sure is angry. He takes out the gun from the pocket in his kurta. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and points to his head, ready to pull the trigger. Rabri yells "Nahin! aisa gazab mat karo! (No don't do this) Laloo replies "Chup kar kal-muhi agli goli ka shikar tu hogee!" (shut-up you are taking the next bullet)
3.Excerpts from a Laloo Prasad Yadav Speech " I Thank You All For Coming Here From The Bottom Of My Heart And Also From My Wifes Bottom"
4. Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?" God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime." Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?" God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept and walked away.
Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?" God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."
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Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane.
Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
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Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur.
Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White House, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English.
Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy have come to a standstill, and press, news reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.
At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendent white smile, looking cool and unruffled.
However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face.
The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton?"
Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
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Bill Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : Have you installed Windows at home?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house. Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION ? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased moquito problems many people are sleeping under the net. Gates: By the year 2002 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Sweating Heavily): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P.
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
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Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
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Laloo wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Laloo was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Laloo. The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
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Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!! No one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
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