A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
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Pfizer Corp is making the anouncment today that VIAGRA will soon be availible in liquid form and will be marketed by the Pepsi Cola Comp as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff" one. Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft" drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will be marketing the new concoction be the name of "mount and do"
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a frenchman a indian and a jew go to a farmers house looking for a place to stay for the night. The farmer says "1 of you will have to sleep in the barn". the indian offers first. the minutes later he comes back and says " Ican't sleep in there because there is a cow in there" so the jew goes in. he comes back and says "i can't sleep in there because there is a pig in there." so the french man goes in the barn. ten minuites later the pig and the cow knock at the door..............
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French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".
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Wounded American A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
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As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. “Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!’” “He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!’” “We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
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A new report says 82 million Americans are now without medical insurance. But this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now the only way to get affordable health care is to join the army.
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Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200."
The prostitute responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100, but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200.
The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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Two pakistanis move to scotland. They make a bet with each other to who will be more scottish in two years, So two years later they met up. The first one said im more scottish because i wear a kilt, drink alcohol, take drugs,eat haggis, eat porrige. He then said to the other paki how scottish are you then. he said FUCK OFF YOU BLACK BASTARD.
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