News / Politics

Shocked Bush

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing.

He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!

"His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked,

"Just how many is a brazillion?"


Dead ahead !!

A dead woman gained enough votes to advance to a runoff for the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate, leaving political experts puzzled and her party wondering what to do if she wins. Jacquelyn Morrow Lewis Ledgerwood died of a heart attack at age 69 on July 15, too close to the election to have her name taken off the ballot.

She received 21 percent of the vote Tuesday in a field of four, finishing second behind an air conditioner contractor who got 46 percent.


Administratium!

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistants vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


World War III

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that`s them.

"So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?

"Bush says,
"We`re planning World War III".

And the guy says, "Really?
What`s going to happen?

"Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?

"Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?!

I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"



Indian politician

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.He asked,

"How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?

"The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window

."Can you see the river?""Yes""Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister."10 percent", said the senator smugly.S

ome time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.The minister called him to the window.

"See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said,
"No, I don't see any bridge.

""100 percent", said the minister !!


Dumbest Death in history!

Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare`s plays.How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale:

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation. How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I`m going to live to be 100 unless I`m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus:

Greek playwright in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies. How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus` head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the 70`s jogging craze. How he died: A heart attack....while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He`d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% Blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death. And finally there`s Lully, the 16th-century composer who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.



The palestinians took them!

The Israeli Ambassador is sitting down with Yassir Arafat to try to work out a peace agreement. The Ambassador asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.

The Ambassador begins. "When Moses was in the desert for 40 years, the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked God for water and there appeared a beautiful lake.

The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same when it was his turn, but when he came out of the water, all his clothes were gone.

"Moses shouted, `Where are my clothes? Who took them?"

` "The Jews answered, `The Palestinians took them.`"Arafat quickly objected by saying that there were no Palestinians at that time.

he Ambassador looks at Arafat and says, "RIGHT!!! NOW we can begin to negotiate.


News From Florida

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some toilet paper, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the toilet paper in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering from burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. When she told them, the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.



Caffeine Pollution...

Seattle harbor is polluted. Not with crap, but with caffeine. Home to 12 billion Starbucks outlets, Seattle coffee addicts are pissing gallons of caffeine into the local waters at a alarming rate.

In related news, an entire pod of killer whales have checked in to the Betty Ford Clinic, suffering from caffeine addiction


Best patient

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

"The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

"The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

"The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

"But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."