Saucy Jokes

Sip, Don't gulp

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




Blind man.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"





The Son of a Bitch

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"





Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i can do is suck the chocolate off them."




The sleep

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.

"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"



Alone

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."




Washington grouse

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."




Pope In New York.

The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license"

And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"

"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."



TWO PROSTITUTES

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign which read..........

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."



DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:

1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.

Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.

6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.

8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.





Sindhi Special

What do you call :

A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani




ABCD

We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...

But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful



LAWYER JOKES

From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.

The barrister at once tendered a pound note.

"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,bury twenty of them!"



A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"





An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."



As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."




An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"

Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"




Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.



ALIEN JOKES

The year is 2222 and Brandon and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Brandon asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Brandon asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


COWBOY JOKES

Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar.
Theyre tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just
relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other and smile.

One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead,

comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down,
smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well,
I
think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, Yep, no arguin' there--she sure
is a 4."

Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just
watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous,

drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.

First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That
one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a
6."

Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real
sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the
first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing
there rating women??!?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and
they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't
understand..."

She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have
you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating
system."

The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me
a SIX before."

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well
ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my
face."