Jassy collections

The Boss

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical birds and says: "The parrot to your left costs $500." The man asks,"Why does the parrot costs so much?" The owner says,"Well, it knows how to use a computer. He can diagnose system bugs." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told,"That one costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2000." Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can IT do?" The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!"
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Explosively Funny

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

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One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
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A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"

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Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who illed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

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There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground".Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

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A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to
Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't
think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The
boy said that she had.
With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's
because British Airways always pulls out on time."
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Bathroom Etiquette

In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."

The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hair are white?"
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Sardarji happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.

Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read :

"Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".

Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients !!
Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:

Oh God : religion
my wife: sex
going to deliver a child : suspense (whether a girl or a boy)

"Okay.... but where is the mystery ?" asked one of the organizers.

The sardar replied : who is the father ??

Sardarji was declared the winner for writing the shortest story !

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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the Examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator,alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, " I am rechecking my answers."

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One day Santa Singh goes to a bank for cash withdrawal.
The cashier is a Gujarati lady with a typical Gujarati accent.
When Santa's token No. is announced, he goes to the cash counter.
The lady cashier asks him in hindi, "Mr. Singh, so so ke loge?"
Santa replies, "Khade Khade bhi chalega!"

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Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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A Young Executive & His Boss
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 pm, he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Big Boss asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Big Boss and feeds it in.

"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy…"

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Silly Ads
Plumber
We repair what your husband fixed.

Pizza shop slogan
7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee
Invite us to your next blow-out.

Door of a plastic surgeon's office
Hello, can we pick your nose?

Sign at the psychic's hotline
Don't call us, we'll call you.

At a Towing Company
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On a Maternity Room door
Push, Push, Push.

At an Optometrist's Office
If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place.

In a Taxidermist's window
We really know our stuff.

In a Podiatrist's office
Time wounds all heels.

On a Butcher's window
Let me meat your needs.

On a fence Salesman
Welcome, dog food is expensive.

Outside a Muffler Shop
No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.

Outside a Hotel
Help! We need inn-experienced people.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room
Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!

On the door of a Computer Store
Out for a quick byte.

Inside a Bowling Alley
Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

In the front yard of a funeral home
Drive carefully, we'll wait.