Sip, Don't gulp
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Blind man.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
The Son of a Bitch
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i can do is suck the chocolate off them."
The sleep
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Alone
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Washington grouse
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."
Pope In New York.
The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license"
And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."
TWO PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.
6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.
Sindhi Special
What do you call :
A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani
ABCD
We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful
LAWYER JOKES
From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.
The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,bury twenty of them!"
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
ALIEN JOKES
The year is 2222 and Brandon and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Brandon asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Brandon asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
COWBOY JOKES
Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar.
Theyre tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just
relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other and smile.
One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."
Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead,
comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down,
smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well,
I
think that one must be a 4."
And the second cowboy agrees, and says, Yep, no arguin' there--she sure
is a 4."
Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just
watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous,
drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.
First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That
one has GOT to be a 6."
And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a
6."
Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real
sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the
first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing
there rating women??!?"
The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and
they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't
understand..."
She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have
you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"
She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating
system."
The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me
a SIX before."
The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"
The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well
ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my
face."
Friday, March 14, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Short Jokes
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
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A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
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If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
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Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
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Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
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Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
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Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
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Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
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Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
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Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
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Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
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If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
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Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
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"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
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You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
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1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.
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This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.
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Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
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One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
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Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Wedding jokes ...
Wedding jokes ...
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".
100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...
100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.
40 Rules Men Wished Women Knew
40 Rules Men Wished Women Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.
Lawyers Compliments
One liners
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
Question and Answer
Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans
What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!
What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
A bit of revenge
What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer
Slightly bigger lawyer jokes
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here?
Sure do, replied the bartender.
Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.
A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, Are all lawyers treated like this? He was answered, We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer said.
Give me the bad news first.
Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.
That's the bad news? asked Malborn incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news.
The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
Aren't you also going to have a drink? the doctor says.
After the police get here. replies the lawyer.
Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients were the easiest to operate on.
The first doctor says Germans, because everything inside is neat and orderly and always in its place.
The second doctor said Japanese patients, because you open them up and all there is is a circuit board to interchange.
No! No! You're both wrong, said the third doctor, Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They,re gutless. The only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer.
Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done.
I don't care how it looks, says Lucifer. I'm not doing anything.
You have to, says St. Peter. It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed.
I don't give a fig for any contract, says Lucifer, as you should know by now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything.
You have to, insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you.
Sue me? cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?
Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?
Well,:
The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
Lawyers breed faster.
Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for Engineer brain?
3 dollars an ounce
How much for (other generic profession) brain?
4 dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain?br> 100 dollars an ounce.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 It is unlawful to shout 'Whiplash', 'Ambulance', or 'Free Scotch' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
372.11 Bag Limits Per Day
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
Cut-throat - 2
Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian - 7
Quotes
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
David Mellor, British Conservative politician.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
Jean Giradoux
Don't be humble - you're not that great.
Golda Meir
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers
William Shakespeare: Henry VI (Part 2)
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
Question and Answer
Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans
What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!
What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
A bit of revenge
What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer
Slightly bigger lawyer jokes
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here?
Sure do, replied the bartender.
Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.
A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was treated much better than anyone else. He asked, Are all lawyers treated like this? He was answered, We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's ever been here!
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? the lawyer said.
Give me the bad news first.
Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.
That's the bad news? asked Malborn incredulously. I can't wait to hear the terrible news.
The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
Aren't you also going to have a drink? the doctor says.
After the police get here. replies the lawyer.
Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients were the easiest to operate on.
The first doctor says Germans, because everything inside is neat and orderly and always in its place.
The second doctor said Japanese patients, because you open them up and all there is is a circuit board to interchange.
No! No! You're both wrong, said the third doctor, Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They,re gutless. The only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer.
Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done.
I don't care how it looks, says Lucifer. I'm not doing anything.
You have to, says St. Peter. It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed.
I don't give a fig for any contract, says Lucifer, as you should know by now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything.
You have to, insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you.
Sue me? cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?
Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?
Well,:
The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
Lawyers breed faster.
Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for Engineer brain?
3 dollars an ounce
How much for (other generic profession) brain?
4 dollars an ounce.
How much for lawyer brain?br> 100 dollars an ounce.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 It is unlawful to shout 'Whiplash', 'Ambulance', or 'Free Scotch' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
372.11 Bag Limits Per Day
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
Cut-throat - 2
Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian - 7
Quotes
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
David Mellor, British Conservative politician.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
Jean Giradoux
Don't be humble - you're not that great.
Golda Meir
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers
William Shakespeare: Henry VI (Part 2)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Ultimate Colletion
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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STOPPING BY THE OFFICE ONE DAY
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
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TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
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Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
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With A Little Help From Friends
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for
the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served,
asked the bartender if he would get the money from his
wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the gl****** to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarr******ing at times. By
the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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Women are like an Internet Virus.
They ENTER your life, SCAN your pockets, TRANSFER your money, EDIT your mind, DOWNLOAD their problems, DELETE your smile and HANG you forever.
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_________________________________________________________________________
REPLY:
======
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support .. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
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Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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Loud, Mad, or Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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Solving a dispute
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."
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Laloo Jokes
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
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Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.
Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done!!!
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1. Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif.They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "Nawazbhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab akai-waalon ka kamaal hai," (All because of the Akai company people) says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free (They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR )... tho ham bhi Nawazbhai se keh diye: "aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!" (SO, I said to Nawazbhai - "You want Kashmir, right? Take it. But you will get Bihar free with it!")
2.Laloo Yadav suspects Rabri Devi of cheating on him. He thinks : "I have been so busy in politics. I hardly get any time make love. How come we have so many children. Rabri must be making it out with others. "So he goes unexpectedly to his bungalow one afternoon and sure enough he opens the door to find Rabri Devi in the arms of his chowkidaar. Well, Laloo sure is angry. He takes out the gun from the pocket in his kurta. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and points to his head, ready to pull the trigger. Rabri yells "Nahin! aisa gazab mat karo! (No don't do this) Laloo replies "Chup kar kal-muhi agli goli ka shikar tu hogee!" (shut-up you are taking the next bullet)
3.Excerpts from a Laloo Prasad Yadav Speech " I Thank You All For Coming Here From The Bottom Of My Heart And Also From My Wifes Bottom"
4. Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?" God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime." Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?" God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept and walked away.
Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?" God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."
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Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane.
Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
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Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur.
Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White House, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English.
Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy have come to a standstill, and press, news reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.
At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendent white smile, looking cool and unruffled.
However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face.
The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton?"
Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
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Bill Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : Have you installed Windows at home?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house. Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION ? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased moquito problems many people are sleeping under the net. Gates: By the year 2002 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Sweating Heavily): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P.
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
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Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
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Laloo wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Laloo was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Laloo. The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
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Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!! No one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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STOPPING BY THE OFFICE ONE DAY
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
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TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
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Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
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With A Little Help From Friends
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for
the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served,
asked the bartender if he would get the money from his
wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the gl****** to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarr******ing at times. By
the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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Women are like an Internet Virus.
They ENTER your life, SCAN your pockets, TRANSFER your money, EDIT your mind, DOWNLOAD their problems, DELETE your smile and HANG you forever.
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_________________________________________________________________________
REPLY:
======
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support .. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
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Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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Loud, Mad, or Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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Solving a dispute
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."
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Laloo Jokes
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
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Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.
Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done!!!
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1. Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif.They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "Nawazbhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab akai-waalon ka kamaal hai," (All because of the Akai company people) says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free (They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR )... tho ham bhi Nawazbhai se keh diye: "aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!" (SO, I said to Nawazbhai - "You want Kashmir, right? Take it. But you will get Bihar free with it!")
2.Laloo Yadav suspects Rabri Devi of cheating on him. He thinks : "I have been so busy in politics. I hardly get any time make love. How come we have so many children. Rabri must be making it out with others. "So he goes unexpectedly to his bungalow one afternoon and sure enough he opens the door to find Rabri Devi in the arms of his chowkidaar. Well, Laloo sure is angry. He takes out the gun from the pocket in his kurta. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and points to his head, ready to pull the trigger. Rabri yells "Nahin! aisa gazab mat karo! (No don't do this) Laloo replies "Chup kar kal-muhi agli goli ka shikar tu hogee!" (shut-up you are taking the next bullet)
3.Excerpts from a Laloo Prasad Yadav Speech " I Thank You All For Coming Here From The Bottom Of My Heart And Also From My Wifes Bottom"
4. Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?" God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime." Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.
Nawaz Sharif approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?" God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept and walked away.
Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?" God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."
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Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane.
Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump."
The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US. Laloo arrives in full grandeur.
Bill announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White House, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Laloo English.
Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out. The whole country and its economy have come to a standstill, and press, news reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.
At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendent white smile, looking cool and unruffled.
However, Bill looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face.
The shocked reporters ask Bill, "What happened Mr. Clinton?"
Bill replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : Have you installed Windows at home?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house. Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION ? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased moquito problems many people are sleeping under the net. Gates: By the year 2002 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Sweating Heavily): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P.
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laloo wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Laloo was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Laloo. The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
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Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!! No one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
CRAZEE LAUGH
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
----------------------------------------------------------
Pfizer Corp is making the anouncment today that VIAGRA will soon be availible in liquid form and will be marketed by the Pepsi Cola Comp as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff" one. Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft" drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will be marketing the new concoction be the name of "mount and do"
----------------------------------------------------------
a frenchman a indian and a jew go to a farmers house looking for a place to stay for the night. The farmer says "1 of you will have to sleep in the barn". the indian offers first. the minutes later he comes back and says " Ican't sleep in there because there is a cow in there" so the jew goes in. he comes back and says "i can't sleep in there because there is a pig in there." so the french man goes in the barn. ten minuites later the pig and the cow knock at the door..............
-------------------------------------------------------------
French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".
--------------------------------------------------------------
Wounded American A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. “Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!’” “He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!’” “We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A new report says 82 million Americans are now without medical insurance. But this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now the only way to get affordable health care is to join the army.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200."
The prostitute responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100, but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200.
The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two pakistanis move to scotland. They make a bet with each other to who will be more scottish in two years, So two years later they met up. The first one said im more scottish because i wear a kilt, drink alcohol, take drugs,eat haggis, eat porrige. He then said to the other paki how scottish are you then. he said FUCK OFF YOU BLACK BASTARD.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
----------------------------------------------------------
Pfizer Corp is making the anouncment today that VIAGRA will soon be availible in liquid form and will be marketed by the Pepsi Cola Comp as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff" one. Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft" drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will be marketing the new concoction be the name of "mount and do"
----------------------------------------------------------
a frenchman a indian and a jew go to a farmers house looking for a place to stay for the night. The farmer says "1 of you will have to sleep in the barn". the indian offers first. the minutes later he comes back and says " Ican't sleep in there because there is a cow in there" so the jew goes in. he comes back and says "i can't sleep in there because there is a pig in there." so the french man goes in the barn. ten minuites later the pig and the cow knock at the door..............
-------------------------------------------------------------
French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".
--------------------------------------------------------------
Wounded American A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. “Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!’” “He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!’” “We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A new report says 82 million Americans are now without medical insurance. But this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now the only way to get affordable health care is to join the army.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200."
The prostitute responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100, but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200.
The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two pakistanis move to scotland. They make a bet with each other to who will be more scottish in two years, So two years later they met up. The first one said im more scottish because i wear a kilt, drink alcohol, take drugs,eat haggis, eat porrige. He then said to the other paki how scottish are you then. he said FUCK OFF YOU BLACK BASTARD.
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