Spicy Jokes

Three contestants on a game show were trying to win prizes.
The emcee asked the first one, “for $3000 who invented the telephone”
“Alexandra Graham Bell,” she answered.
“Right you are and as an added bonus what is your home town”
“Orange Grove Florida” she answered. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best oranges” said the emcee.
He asked the next one, now for $2000 who discovered America?
“Columbus she answered. Right and what is your home town? Asked the emcee.
Peach tree Georgia, she said. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best peaches for a year”
He then asked the last one, “now for $1000 who was the first president”
“George Washington, she said” “Right you are” said the emcee
The lady screamed out “I beat you all and hit the jack pot!”
“How can you say that asked the other two, you only won $1000"
“I’m from Petersburg.” She replied.


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Bill asks: why was booze invented?
Ted says: So ugly people can get laid, too.

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What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.

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Signs that you are too drunk:
You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.


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Conversation between George W. and his
National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:




George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.


George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.



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As the Shakespearean actor slipped off his trousers and prepared to join her in bed, the woman he had picked up at the after-party gave an appreciative whistle at his generous endowment. “My dear,” the actor cautioned in response, “we have come to bury Caesar – not to praise him.”




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One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."


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A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"



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A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced,” and she says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.


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A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, ‘Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man. 'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'

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Presidents on a sinking ship!

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"



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After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down."



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An American Soldier is on a train in Western Europe. He is using a crutch to aid his movement, due to an injured right leg. He has seen long combat and is very tired.
He ambles up and down the crowded train, looking for a seat. He cannot find one, until he reaches the front car. There is an 'empty' seat, next to a French woman, but her female poodle, Fifi is in it. The soldier asks, "Ma'am, I am really tired, may I sit in that seat?" She replies, "Oh, you Americans, you are so rude, no, you may not sit in this seat. My dog is sitting here."

The soldier sighs, and walks back down the train, looking dutifully for a place to sit, to no avail.

He hobbles back to the first car, approaches the French woman, and says, "Ma'am, I couldn't find a seat on this entire train, and I'm really tired. Do you think I could sit in that seat? I'll even keep your dog in my lap." She replies, indignantly, "Oh, you Americans, you are so arrogant, so insolent, no, you may not sit in this seat."

With that, the soldier heaves a large sigh, and bends down, picks up the dog, and throws it out the window, and sits down. She begins shrieking, "Oh, Oh, won't anyone defend me against this brutish American?" An elder British gentleman, sitting across the aisle, begins to speak in a calm, reserved voice, "Well, you Americans do seem to get it wrong most of the time. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."




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Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

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This is for you!
Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ass are interchangeable.

I love election years....

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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."



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The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.


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A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."


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Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other. "Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats? Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people.

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Why is Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
Because he thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!

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Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river. One says to the other you're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating? There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole.

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There was this International Conference on Taxation held in a European Country. The nature of the conference was international sharing of taxation ideas. To make the story short, The French representative said "Everyone in this room should adopt my Country’s taxation system, because in my country we tax our people from child birth to death." The Conference room exploded in a big applause, because that system will provide great revenue to the country. But, the Swiss representative stood and said, "That is nothing. Because, in my country we tax our people from womb to tomb! The whole room was clapping louder than before. An excited Australian, jumped up and said "That is nothing compared to down under, we tax our people from sperm to germ!! With this, the whole room was in standing ovation and clapping. Several representatives from Europe suggested that it be adopted in every nation. But then, the American representative, shouted, Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Here me out first, before you adopt anything. Then, the American said. That is nothing compared in America, in America we tax our people from Erection to Resurrection!

Fun Jokes

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’ The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

The second says to him, ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ He shakes his head. She kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ ‘No,’ says the man, his eyes lighting up.

‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in..

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The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of Chinese fighter jets. They invited over a Chinese official and at a gathering, the Chinese guy says to the Pakistani, 'These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them'.

The chief of the air force asks how it's all done. The Chinese guy says, 'OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!'

The Pakistani Air Force Chief then asks, 'So, how do you come down?'

The Chinese guy replies, 'Oh, leave that to the Indian

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The Pakistani Army chief was always dominated by his wife, which he resented. He tried to reason with her but to no avail.

Perwez's wife: But that's the way of life. Husbands are meant to listen to us (wives) all the time. All the Pakistani men do the same, why do you try to be different?

Perwez: Not all Pakistani men are scared of their wives. I have the strongest army in the region. I have the wisest men running the army. I do not believe that all of them are scared of their wives.

Perwez's wife: OK, If you find even a single man in your army who is not scared, I will agree to whatever you want!

Perwez summons all his Generals and asks them if they are scared of their wives. To his surprise not a single general had courage to say that he was not afraid of his wife. The army chief then sends out for his Corp Commanders but still could not find a single man who was not scared of his wife.

Finally, he asks for the whole Pakistani army to assemble in a desert area in Baluchistan, where he addresses them.

Perwez: I want all the men who are not afraid of their wives to come forward.

There was murmuring for a few minutes and after considerable time one man stepped forward from the crowd.

Perwez: I am happy to know that there is atleast one person in the army who is not not hen-pecked and scared of his wife!

The man replies: Well, all I know is that, in the morning my wife told me to stay away from crowds!

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The Air India flight from Karachi to Bombay was in trouble. As the storm raged, Santa Singh, the captain of the plane realized his plane was going to crash. He was however able to land the plane on the water where it was sinking fast.

He called out, 'Anyone here know how to pray?'

One Pakistani stepped forward. 'Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.'

'Good,' said Santa Singh, 'you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.'
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Santa Singh lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, 'That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?'

The man looked up helplessly and said, 'Abbe saale... from the balcony!'

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the Patna zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, 'How high do you think they'll go?'

The kangaroo said, 'About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!'
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Clinton came to Pakistan on a state visit. Mian Nawaz Sharif asked the city authorities to clean up the city. Clinton was shown around the city the way government was spending the US aid. However, he noticed people relieving themselves (pissing or shitting) on the roadside in several places.

At the end of the visit Clinton said to Nawaz that he would like more of the money spent towards the civic facilities so that people do not have to relieve themselves in public places. Nawaz Sharif was annoyed. He decided that the next time he will go to USA and will embarrass the US president too.

Next month Nawaz went to USA and spent one week in Washington. Every time he went around with Clinton, he looked hard to find something that would embarrass Clinton. But he could not find any fault.

But on the last day of the visit while Nawaz was being escorted back to airport from the Pakistani embassy, he saw someone pissing in a dark area of the street next to Pakistani embassy. He pointed out to Clinton: 'See, even in USA people do that.'

Clinton was very angry. He signaled to FBI agents who shot the roadside pisser immediately.

The next day Nawaz read in the newspapers in Islamabad: 'Pakistani ambassador shot dead in Washington!'
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The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.'

The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?'

The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: 'Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow'.

The second one says: 'Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet'.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: 'You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45'!

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Varun Pandey to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Mr Pandey

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Santa an Banta Jokes

Santa`s Clients

Santa was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.

One day his partner Banta said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to Rs 1000 each, we still can’t sell any.”

Santa replied, “Use your head, Banta. Price them at Rs 2000 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for Rs 8000 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the Rs 8000.”

“What a terrific idea,” said Banta. “I’ll send them out today.”

Two week’s later, Banta says to Santa, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of those clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”

Learning by correspondence

In Canada Santa earned enough money to buy himself a brand new car. He drove out of the sales depot with an L-plate on the car. As the car zig-zagged down the main highway, a traffic cop picked him up, "Why are you going from one side of the road to the other?" he demanded.

"I am learning how to drive," replied Santa
"You have to have a driving teacher beside you. May I see your licence?"
Santa pulled out an envelope from his pocket and replied, "Here, I am learning driving by correspondence."


Following the idiot?

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be Santa . He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Santa, are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.
Santa said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

Beer Bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

Poor George Bush !

Telephone in the White House rang. "Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Santa down in Ludhiana, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Santa ," Bush replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Santa after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my friend Banta , my next door neighbour Gurinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"

"OK," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Santa calls back."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Santa ?" Bush asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill`s tractor from the farm"
Once more Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 minelayers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"I`ll be dogged!" says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa calls again the next day."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We`ve gotten out old Govind`s crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bush sighs and says "I must tell you Santa that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back"
Santa calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I`m very happy to hear that," says Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa , "We`ve all had a chat and found that there`s no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"

Imagination!

Several weeks after Banta had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager`s office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years` experience. Now we discover this is the first job you`ve ever had."

"Well," Banta said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."



Government's jawai (son-in-law)!

Banta is a Government Employee. One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

OOPS! He's back in his office again.


Nature Calls

Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" says Banta.

The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"


Santa and Mathematics !

This was when Santa was a little boy studying in a convent school. He was busy doing his homework and as his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two... Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four... Three and three...
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math.
Santa remarked that his teacher had taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into little Santa`s classroom and confronted the teacher. She told her about Santa`s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn`t understand why Santa had said what he did.

Then suddenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two..."


Escape

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs. Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said "sure" and got him a computer.

A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Banta what happened. Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

Banta said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."



About half past four!

Santa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor examines him and says he wants to fix the fellow with a new hearing aid. This is the finest hearing aid now being manufactured. I wear one myself, says the doctor.

What kind is it? asks the Santa .

About half past four!


Santa in Chandigarh

Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

Santa replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"


Answers that crack !

Santa and Banta apply for a job. Santa wants that Banta get the job, as he is less intelligent.

On the interview day, Santa says, "First I will go inside and answer all the questions except the last one and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. So you go and answer and you’ll get the job." So Santa goes in.
Employer: “When did we get independence?”

Santa: “Efforts began in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947”

Employer: “Good. Who’s our PM?”

Santa: “It changes daily and these days it’s Atal Behari Vajpayee”

Employer: Ok. What is India’s population?

Santa: (He was not to reply last one) “Good question, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir.”

He comes out and tells Banta about all the questions and answers. Banta was really excited and he remembers all the answers but forgets all the questions. So he goes in now.

Employer: When were you born?

Banta: Efforts started in 1857 but we got freedom in 1947.

Employer: What? Who’s your father?

Banta: It changes daily and these days it`s Atal Behari Vajpayee.

Employer:(he s upset now) Are you mad Mr. Banta?

Banta: Good question sir, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you.


Lost Tourist

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost. He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions.

Santa told him how to get to Shimla.

The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa, "Is this your farm?"

"Yep", Santa answered.

"How big is it?" asked the tourist.

"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."

The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"

Santa thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."

CAB Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver, Bhupesh, on the shoulder to ask him a question. Bhupesh screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then Bhupesh said, "Look sir, don`t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn`t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

Bhupesh replied, "Sorry, it`s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I`ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

No risks

Santa went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Santa`s mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Santa went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Santa that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Santa that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.

Santa thinks for some time and answers, "I don`t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that`s what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it`s not that," says Santa. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can`t take that chance.

Dying of AIDS!!

An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."

Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."

BILL GATE DIES

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

Not This Time

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.

The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.

The man went back to his wife. “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife.

“Have you been fooling around on me?”, the wife answered ..”Not this time…”

Saucy Jokes

Sip, Don't gulp

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




Blind man.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"





The Son of a Bitch

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"





Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i can do is suck the chocolate off them."




The sleep

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.

"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"



Alone

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."




Washington grouse

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."




Pope In New York.

The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license"

And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"

"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."



TWO PROSTITUTES

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign which read..........

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."



DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:

1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.

Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.

6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.

8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.





Sindhi Special

What do you call :

A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani




ABCD

We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...

But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful



LAWYER JOKES

From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.

The barrister at once tendered a pound note.

"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,bury twenty of them!"



A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"





An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."



As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."




An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"

Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"




Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.



ALIEN JOKES

The year is 2222 and Brandon and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Brandon asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Brandon asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


COWBOY JOKES

Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar.
Theyre tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just
relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other and smile.

One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead,

comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down,
smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well,
I
think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, Yep, no arguin' there--she sure
is a 4."

Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just
watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous,

drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.

First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That
one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a
6."

Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real
sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the
first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing
there rating women??!?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and
they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't
understand..."

She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have
you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating
system."

The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me
a SIX before."

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well
ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my
face."

Short Jokes

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

Wedding jokes ...

Wedding jokes ...

I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."

Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.

"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.

The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.

"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".

100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...

100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.