Santa an Banta Jokes

Santa`s Clients

Santa was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.

One day his partner Banta said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to Rs 1000 each, we still can’t sell any.”

Santa replied, “Use your head, Banta. Price them at Rs 2000 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for Rs 8000 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the Rs 8000.”

“What a terrific idea,” said Banta. “I’ll send them out today.”

Two week’s later, Banta says to Santa, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of those clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”

Learning by correspondence

In Canada Santa earned enough money to buy himself a brand new car. He drove out of the sales depot with an L-plate on the car. As the car zig-zagged down the main highway, a traffic cop picked him up, "Why are you going from one side of the road to the other?" he demanded.

"I am learning how to drive," replied Santa
"You have to have a driving teacher beside you. May I see your licence?"
Santa pulled out an envelope from his pocket and replied, "Here, I am learning driving by correspondence."


Following the idiot?

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be Santa . He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Santa, are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.
Santa said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

Beer Bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

Poor George Bush !

Telephone in the White House rang. "Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Santa down in Ludhiana, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Santa ," Bush replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Santa after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my friend Banta , my next door neighbour Gurinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"

"OK," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Santa calls back."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Santa ?" Bush asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill`s tractor from the farm"
Once more Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 minelayers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"I`ll be dogged!" says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa calls again the next day."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We`ve gotten out old Govind`s crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bush sighs and says "I must tell you Santa that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back"
Santa calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I`m very happy to hear that," says Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa , "We`ve all had a chat and found that there`s no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"

Imagination!

Several weeks after Banta had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager`s office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years` experience. Now we discover this is the first job you`ve ever had."

"Well," Banta said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."



Government's jawai (son-in-law)!

Banta is a Government Employee. One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

OOPS! He's back in his office again.


Nature Calls

Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" says Banta.

The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"


Santa and Mathematics !

This was when Santa was a little boy studying in a convent school. He was busy doing his homework and as his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two... Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four... Three and three...
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math.
Santa remarked that his teacher had taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into little Santa`s classroom and confronted the teacher. She told her about Santa`s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn`t understand why Santa had said what he did.

Then suddenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two..."


Escape

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs. Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said "sure" and got him a computer.

A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Banta what happened. Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

Banta said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."



About half past four!

Santa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor examines him and says he wants to fix the fellow with a new hearing aid. This is the finest hearing aid now being manufactured. I wear one myself, says the doctor.

What kind is it? asks the Santa .

About half past four!


Santa in Chandigarh

Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

Santa replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"


Answers that crack !

Santa and Banta apply for a job. Santa wants that Banta get the job, as he is less intelligent.

On the interview day, Santa says, "First I will go inside and answer all the questions except the last one and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. So you go and answer and you’ll get the job." So Santa goes in.
Employer: “When did we get independence?”

Santa: “Efforts began in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947”

Employer: “Good. Who’s our PM?”

Santa: “It changes daily and these days it’s Atal Behari Vajpayee”

Employer: Ok. What is India’s population?

Santa: (He was not to reply last one) “Good question, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir.”

He comes out and tells Banta about all the questions and answers. Banta was really excited and he remembers all the answers but forgets all the questions. So he goes in now.

Employer: When were you born?

Banta: Efforts started in 1857 but we got freedom in 1947.

Employer: What? Who’s your father?

Banta: It changes daily and these days it`s Atal Behari Vajpayee.

Employer:(he s upset now) Are you mad Mr. Banta?

Banta: Good question sir, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you.


Lost Tourist

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost. He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions.

Santa told him how to get to Shimla.

The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa, "Is this your farm?"

"Yep", Santa answered.

"How big is it?" asked the tourist.

"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."

The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"

Santa thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."