Three contestants on a game show were trying to win prizes.
The emcee asked the first one, “for $3000 who invented the telephone”
“Alexandra Graham Bell,” she answered.
“Right you are and as an added bonus what is your home town”
“Orange Grove Florida” she answered. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best oranges” said the emcee.
He asked the next one, now for $2000 who discovered America?
“Columbus she answered. Right and what is your home town? Asked the emcee.
Peach tree Georgia, she said. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best peaches for a year”
He then asked the last one, “now for $1000 who was the first president”
“George Washington, she said” “Right you are” said the emcee
The lady screamed out “I beat you all and hit the jack pot!”
“How can you say that asked the other two, you only won $1000"
“I’m from Petersburg.” She replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill asks: why was booze invented?
Ted says: So ugly people can get laid, too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs that you are too drunk:
You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation between George W. and his
National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the Shakespearean actor slipped off his trousers and prepared to join her in bed, the woman he had picked up at the after-party gave an appreciative whistle at his generous endowment. “My dear,” the actor cautioned in response, “we have come to bury Caesar – not to praise him.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced,” and she says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, ‘Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man. 'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Presidents on a sinking ship!
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American Soldier is on a train in Western Europe. He is using a crutch to aid his movement, due to an injured right leg. He has seen long combat and is very tired.
He ambles up and down the crowded train, looking for a seat. He cannot find one, until he reaches the front car. There is an 'empty' seat, next to a French woman, but her female poodle, Fifi is in it. The soldier asks, "Ma'am, I am really tired, may I sit in that seat?" She replies, "Oh, you Americans, you are so rude, no, you may not sit in this seat. My dog is sitting here."
The soldier sighs, and walks back down the train, looking dutifully for a place to sit, to no avail.
He hobbles back to the first car, approaches the French woman, and says, "Ma'am, I couldn't find a seat on this entire train, and I'm really tired. Do you think I could sit in that seat? I'll even keep your dog in my lap." She replies, indignantly, "Oh, you Americans, you are so arrogant, so insolent, no, you may not sit in this seat."
With that, the soldier heaves a large sigh, and bends down, picks up the dog, and throws it out the window, and sits down. She begins shrieking, "Oh, Oh, won't anyone defend me against this brutish American?" An elder British gentleman, sitting across the aisle, begins to speak in a calm, reserved voice, "Well, you Americans do seem to get it wrong most of the time. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is for you!
Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ass are interchangeable.
I love election years....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other. "Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats? Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
Because he thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river. One says to the other you're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating? There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this International Conference on Taxation held in a European Country. The nature of the conference was international sharing of taxation ideas. To make the story short, The French representative said "Everyone in this room should adopt my Country’s taxation system, because in my country we tax our people from child birth to death." The Conference room exploded in a big applause, because that system will provide great revenue to the country. But, the Swiss representative stood and said, "That is nothing. Because, in my country we tax our people from womb to tomb! The whole room was clapping louder than before. An excited Australian, jumped up and said "That is nothing compared to down under, we tax our people from sperm to germ!! With this, the whole room was in standing ovation and clapping. Several representatives from Europe suggested that it be adopted in every nation. But then, the American representative, shouted, Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Here me out first, before you adopt anything. Then, the American said. That is nothing compared in America, in America we tax our people from Erection to Resurrection!
The emcee asked the first one, “for $3000 who invented the telephone”
“Alexandra Graham Bell,” she answered.
“Right you are and as an added bonus what is your home town”
“Orange Grove Florida” she answered. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best oranges” said the emcee.
He asked the next one, now for $2000 who discovered America?
“Columbus she answered. Right and what is your home town? Asked the emcee.
Peach tree Georgia, she said. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best peaches for a year”
He then asked the last one, “now for $1000 who was the first president”
“George Washington, she said” “Right you are” said the emcee
The lady screamed out “I beat you all and hit the jack pot!”
“How can you say that asked the other two, you only won $1000"
“I’m from Petersburg.” She replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill asks: why was booze invented?
Ted says: So ugly people can get laid, too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs that you are too drunk:
You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation between George W. and his
National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the Shakespearean actor slipped off his trousers and prepared to join her in bed, the woman he had picked up at the after-party gave an appreciative whistle at his generous endowment. “My dear,” the actor cautioned in response, “we have come to bury Caesar – not to praise him.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced,” and she says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, ‘Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man. 'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Presidents on a sinking ship!
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American Soldier is on a train in Western Europe. He is using a crutch to aid his movement, due to an injured right leg. He has seen long combat and is very tired.
He ambles up and down the crowded train, looking for a seat. He cannot find one, until he reaches the front car. There is an 'empty' seat, next to a French woman, but her female poodle, Fifi is in it. The soldier asks, "Ma'am, I am really tired, may I sit in that seat?" She replies, "Oh, you Americans, you are so rude, no, you may not sit in this seat. My dog is sitting here."
The soldier sighs, and walks back down the train, looking dutifully for a place to sit, to no avail.
He hobbles back to the first car, approaches the French woman, and says, "Ma'am, I couldn't find a seat on this entire train, and I'm really tired. Do you think I could sit in that seat? I'll even keep your dog in my lap." She replies, indignantly, "Oh, you Americans, you are so arrogant, so insolent, no, you may not sit in this seat."
With that, the soldier heaves a large sigh, and bends down, picks up the dog, and throws it out the window, and sits down. She begins shrieking, "Oh, Oh, won't anyone defend me against this brutish American?" An elder British gentleman, sitting across the aisle, begins to speak in a calm, reserved voice, "Well, you Americans do seem to get it wrong most of the time. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is for you!
Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ass are interchangeable.
I love election years....
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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.
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A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."
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Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other. "Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats? Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people.
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Why is Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
Because he thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!
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Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river. One says to the other you're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating? There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole.
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There was this International Conference on Taxation held in a European Country. The nature of the conference was international sharing of taxation ideas. To make the story short, The French representative said "Everyone in this room should adopt my Country’s taxation system, because in my country we tax our people from child birth to death." The Conference room exploded in a big applause, because that system will provide great revenue to the country. But, the Swiss representative stood and said, "That is nothing. Because, in my country we tax our people from womb to tomb! The whole room was clapping louder than before. An excited Australian, jumped up and said "That is nothing compared to down under, we tax our people from sperm to germ!! With this, the whole room was in standing ovation and clapping. Several representatives from Europe suggested that it be adopted in every nation. But then, the American representative, shouted, Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Here me out first, before you adopt anything. Then, the American said. That is nothing compared in America, in America we tax our people from Erection to Resurrection!
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