Spicy Jokes

Three contestants on a game show were trying to win prizes.
The emcee asked the first one, “for $3000 who invented the telephone”
“Alexandra Graham Bell,” she answered.
“Right you are and as an added bonus what is your home town”
“Orange Grove Florida” she answered. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best oranges” said the emcee.
He asked the next one, now for $2000 who discovered America?
“Columbus she answered. Right and what is your home town? Asked the emcee.
Peach tree Georgia, she said. O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best peaches for a year”
He then asked the last one, “now for $1000 who was the first president”
“George Washington, she said” “Right you are” said the emcee
The lady screamed out “I beat you all and hit the jack pot!”
“How can you say that asked the other two, you only won $1000"
“I’m from Petersburg.” She replied.


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Bill asks: why was booze invented?
Ted says: So ugly people can get laid, too.

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What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.

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Signs that you are too drunk:
You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.


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Conversation between George W. and his
National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:




George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.


George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.



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As the Shakespearean actor slipped off his trousers and prepared to join her in bed, the woman he had picked up at the after-party gave an appreciative whistle at his generous endowment. “My dear,” the actor cautioned in response, “we have come to bury Caesar – not to praise him.”




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One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.
As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"
She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.
If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,
"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."


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A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" the father replies "yes son she's as big as a truck". About a minute later the large woman’s beeper goes off and the kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad!!! It’s backing up!"



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A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced,” and she says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.


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A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, ‘Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man. 'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'

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Presidents on a sinking ship!

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"



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After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and faxed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No
one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret
Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down."



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An American Soldier is on a train in Western Europe. He is using a crutch to aid his movement, due to an injured right leg. He has seen long combat and is very tired.
He ambles up and down the crowded train, looking for a seat. He cannot find one, until he reaches the front car. There is an 'empty' seat, next to a French woman, but her female poodle, Fifi is in it. The soldier asks, "Ma'am, I am really tired, may I sit in that seat?" She replies, "Oh, you Americans, you are so rude, no, you may not sit in this seat. My dog is sitting here."

The soldier sighs, and walks back down the train, looking dutifully for a place to sit, to no avail.

He hobbles back to the first car, approaches the French woman, and says, "Ma'am, I couldn't find a seat on this entire train, and I'm really tired. Do you think I could sit in that seat? I'll even keep your dog in my lap." She replies, indignantly, "Oh, you Americans, you are so arrogant, so insolent, no, you may not sit in this seat."

With that, the soldier heaves a large sigh, and bends down, picks up the dog, and throws it out the window, and sits down. She begins shrieking, "Oh, Oh, won't anyone defend me against this brutish American?" An elder British gentleman, sitting across the aisle, begins to speak in a calm, reserved voice, "Well, you Americans do seem to get it wrong most of the time. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, you've gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."




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Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

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This is for you!
Most of you should appreciate this...some won't have a clue what it's all about!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play-stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ass are interchangeable.

I love election years....

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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."



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The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.


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A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."


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Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other. "Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats? Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people.

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Why is Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
Because he thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!

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Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river. One says to the other you're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating? There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole.

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There was this International Conference on Taxation held in a European Country. The nature of the conference was international sharing of taxation ideas. To make the story short, The French representative said "Everyone in this room should adopt my Country’s taxation system, because in my country we tax our people from child birth to death." The Conference room exploded in a big applause, because that system will provide great revenue to the country. But, the Swiss representative stood and said, "That is nothing. Because, in my country we tax our people from womb to tomb! The whole room was clapping louder than before. An excited Australian, jumped up and said "That is nothing compared to down under, we tax our people from sperm to germ!! With this, the whole room was in standing ovation and clapping. Several representatives from Europe suggested that it be adopted in every nation. But then, the American representative, shouted, Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Here me out first, before you adopt anything. Then, the American said. That is nothing compared in America, in America we tax our people from Erection to Resurrection!

Fun Jokes

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’ The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

The second says to him, ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ He shakes his head. She kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ ‘No,’ says the man, his eyes lighting up.

‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in..

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The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of Chinese fighter jets. They invited over a Chinese official and at a gathering, the Chinese guy says to the Pakistani, 'These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them'.

The chief of the air force asks how it's all done. The Chinese guy says, 'OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!'

The Pakistani Air Force Chief then asks, 'So, how do you come down?'

The Chinese guy replies, 'Oh, leave that to the Indian

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The Pakistani Army chief was always dominated by his wife, which he resented. He tried to reason with her but to no avail.

Perwez's wife: But that's the way of life. Husbands are meant to listen to us (wives) all the time. All the Pakistani men do the same, why do you try to be different?

Perwez: Not all Pakistani men are scared of their wives. I have the strongest army in the region. I have the wisest men running the army. I do not believe that all of them are scared of their wives.

Perwez's wife: OK, If you find even a single man in your army who is not scared, I will agree to whatever you want!

Perwez summons all his Generals and asks them if they are scared of their wives. To his surprise not a single general had courage to say that he was not afraid of his wife. The army chief then sends out for his Corp Commanders but still could not find a single man who was not scared of his wife.

Finally, he asks for the whole Pakistani army to assemble in a desert area in Baluchistan, where he addresses them.

Perwez: I want all the men who are not afraid of their wives to come forward.

There was murmuring for a few minutes and after considerable time one man stepped forward from the crowd.

Perwez: I am happy to know that there is atleast one person in the army who is not not hen-pecked and scared of his wife!

The man replies: Well, all I know is that, in the morning my wife told me to stay away from crowds!

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The Air India flight from Karachi to Bombay was in trouble. As the storm raged, Santa Singh, the captain of the plane realized his plane was going to crash. He was however able to land the plane on the water where it was sinking fast.

He called out, 'Anyone here know how to pray?'

One Pakistani stepped forward. 'Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.'

'Good,' said Santa Singh, 'you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.'
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Santa Singh lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, 'That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?'

The man looked up helplessly and said, 'Abbe saale... from the balcony!'

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the Patna zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, 'How high do you think they'll go?'

The kangaroo said, 'About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!'
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Clinton came to Pakistan on a state visit. Mian Nawaz Sharif asked the city authorities to clean up the city. Clinton was shown around the city the way government was spending the US aid. However, he noticed people relieving themselves (pissing or shitting) on the roadside in several places.

At the end of the visit Clinton said to Nawaz that he would like more of the money spent towards the civic facilities so that people do not have to relieve themselves in public places. Nawaz Sharif was annoyed. He decided that the next time he will go to USA and will embarrass the US president too.

Next month Nawaz went to USA and spent one week in Washington. Every time he went around with Clinton, he looked hard to find something that would embarrass Clinton. But he could not find any fault.

But on the last day of the visit while Nawaz was being escorted back to airport from the Pakistani embassy, he saw someone pissing in a dark area of the street next to Pakistani embassy. He pointed out to Clinton: 'See, even in USA people do that.'

Clinton was very angry. He signaled to FBI agents who shot the roadside pisser immediately.

The next day Nawaz read in the newspapers in Islamabad: 'Pakistani ambassador shot dead in Washington!'
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The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.'

The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?'

The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: 'Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow'.

The second one says: 'Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet'.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: 'You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45'!

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Varun Pandey to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Mr Pandey

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Santa an Banta Jokes

Santa`s Clients

Santa was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.

One day his partner Banta said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to Rs 1000 each, we still can’t sell any.”

Santa replied, “Use your head, Banta. Price them at Rs 2000 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for Rs 8000 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the Rs 8000.”

“What a terrific idea,” said Banta. “I’ll send them out today.”

Two week’s later, Banta says to Santa, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of those clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”

Learning by correspondence

In Canada Santa earned enough money to buy himself a brand new car. He drove out of the sales depot with an L-plate on the car. As the car zig-zagged down the main highway, a traffic cop picked him up, "Why are you going from one side of the road to the other?" he demanded.

"I am learning how to drive," replied Santa
"You have to have a driving teacher beside you. May I see your licence?"
Santa pulled out an envelope from his pocket and replied, "Here, I am learning driving by correspondence."


Following the idiot?

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be Santa . He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Santa, are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.
Santa said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

Beer Bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

Poor George Bush !

Telephone in the White House rang. "Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Santa down in Ludhiana, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Santa ," Bush replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Santa after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my friend Banta , my next door neighbour Gurinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"

"OK," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Santa calls back."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Santa ?" Bush asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill`s tractor from the farm"
Once more Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 minelayers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"I`ll be dogged!" says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa calls again the next day."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We`ve gotten out old Govind`s crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bush sighs and says "I must tell you Santa that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back"
Santa calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I`m very happy to hear that," says Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa , "We`ve all had a chat and found that there`s no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"

Imagination!

Several weeks after Banta had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager`s office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years` experience. Now we discover this is the first job you`ve ever had."

"Well," Banta said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."



Government's jawai (son-in-law)!

Banta is a Government Employee. One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

OOPS! He's back in his office again.


Nature Calls

Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" says Banta.

The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"


Santa and Mathematics !

This was when Santa was a little boy studying in a convent school. He was busy doing his homework and as his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two... Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four... Three and three...
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math.
Santa remarked that his teacher had taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into little Santa`s classroom and confronted the teacher. She told her about Santa`s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn`t understand why Santa had said what he did.

Then suddenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two..."


Escape

Banta was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over 50 lacs. Banta was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Banta said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said "sure" and got him a computer.

A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Banta what happened. Banta said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Banta said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

Banta said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."



About half past four!

Santa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor examines him and says he wants to fix the fellow with a new hearing aid. This is the finest hearing aid now being manufactured. I wear one myself, says the doctor.

What kind is it? asks the Santa .

About half past four!


Santa in Chandigarh

Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Rock Garden?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."

He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

Santa replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"


Answers that crack !

Santa and Banta apply for a job. Santa wants that Banta get the job, as he is less intelligent.

On the interview day, Santa says, "First I will go inside and answer all the questions except the last one and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. So you go and answer and you’ll get the job." So Santa goes in.
Employer: “When did we get independence?”

Santa: “Efforts began in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947”

Employer: “Good. Who’s our PM?”

Santa: “It changes daily and these days it’s Atal Behari Vajpayee”

Employer: Ok. What is India’s population?

Santa: (He was not to reply last one) “Good question, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir.”

He comes out and tells Banta about all the questions and answers. Banta was really excited and he remembers all the answers but forgets all the questions. So he goes in now.

Employer: When were you born?

Banta: Efforts started in 1857 but we got freedom in 1947.

Employer: What? Who’s your father?

Banta: It changes daily and these days it`s Atal Behari Vajpayee.

Employer:(he s upset now) Are you mad Mr. Banta?

Banta: Good question sir, research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you.


Lost Tourist

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost. He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions.

Santa told him how to get to Shimla.

The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa, "Is this your farm?"

"Yep", Santa answered.

"How big is it?" asked the tourist.

"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."

The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"

Santa thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."

CAB Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver, Bhupesh, on the shoulder to ask him a question. Bhupesh screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then Bhupesh said, "Look sir, don`t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn`t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

Bhupesh replied, "Sorry, it`s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I`ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

No risks

Santa went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Santa`s mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Santa went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Santa that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Santa that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.

Santa thinks for some time and answers, "I don`t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that`s what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it`s not that," says Santa. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can`t take that chance.

Dying of AIDS!!

An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."

Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."