Patient's Dilemma!
A woman called up the hospital and said,
"I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"
The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!
Paranormal Phenomena!!!
A peculiarly scary thing was happening in a hospital's ICU. Every Sunday, with unfailing regularity, patients on bed number 5 died at 11 AM.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. To investigate the cause of such bizarre incidents, the doctors and nurses decide to keep strict vigilance.
A few minutes before 11 AM, the part time Sunday sweeper arrived. Whistling cheerfully, he unplugged the life support system of bed nnumber 5 and put the plug of his vacuum cleaner in it place!
Right Diagnosis
Alarmed by the prolonged discussions of his case by a group of doctors by his bedside, a patient said, "There must be something terribly wrong with me."
"Why do you say that?" asked the doctor.
"All the other doctors seem to disagree with your diagnosis."
"Don't you worry." consoled the doctor. "In a similar case sometime back I stood firm on my diagnosis and the postmortem proved me right!"
Repeat Performance!
A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying.
"I know," she said. "That was me, too."
First Proctology Exam
A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."
Second Opinion!
A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side. He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation.
Not quite trusting the doctor, she went to another physician for a second opinion.
This time, the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed.
Feeling horrified at the diagnosis, the woman told her friend: "I'm returning to my first doctor. I'd rather have appendicitis, than gall bladder removed."
Don't Mess With Old People...
An elderly man was sick and in the hospital. There was this one nurse who drove him crazy because every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing voice, "And how are we doing this morning?" or "Are we ready for a bath?"
The man had just had enough! So, one morning at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bedside stand. Later that morning, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So, you know where the apple juice went! The same nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My," she said, "it seems we are a little cloudy today!"
At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again! Maybe I can filter it better this time. What do you think?" The nurse fainted!
Post-Operative Shock
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
The Nervous Surgeon
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Comforting a Patient!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
A Great Physician
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Constipation Problem
An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.
"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, `I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
A short history of medicine
Doctor, I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 B.C. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!
Duck Hunting!
Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.
The general practitioner looked at it and said, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.
When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, "Hummmm... white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck," and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.
The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
Bad News!
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Hearing Aid!
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck, "You just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A woman called up the hospital and said,
"I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"
The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!
Paranormal Phenomena!!!
A peculiarly scary thing was happening in a hospital's ICU. Every Sunday, with unfailing regularity, patients on bed number 5 died at 11 AM.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. To investigate the cause of such bizarre incidents, the doctors and nurses decide to keep strict vigilance.
A few minutes before 11 AM, the part time Sunday sweeper arrived. Whistling cheerfully, he unplugged the life support system of bed nnumber 5 and put the plug of his vacuum cleaner in it place!
Right Diagnosis
Alarmed by the prolonged discussions of his case by a group of doctors by his bedside, a patient said, "There must be something terribly wrong with me."
"Why do you say that?" asked the doctor.
"All the other doctors seem to disagree with your diagnosis."
"Don't you worry." consoled the doctor. "In a similar case sometime back I stood firm on my diagnosis and the postmortem proved me right!"
Repeat Performance!
A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying.
"I know," she said. "That was me, too."
First Proctology Exam
A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."
Second Opinion!
A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side. He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation.
Not quite trusting the doctor, she went to another physician for a second opinion.
This time, the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed.
Feeling horrified at the diagnosis, the woman told her friend: "I'm returning to my first doctor. I'd rather have appendicitis, than gall bladder removed."
Don't Mess With Old People...
An elderly man was sick and in the hospital. There was this one nurse who drove him crazy because every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing voice, "And how are we doing this morning?" or "Are we ready for a bath?"
The man had just had enough! So, one morning at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bedside stand. Later that morning, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So, you know where the apple juice went! The same nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My," she said, "it seems we are a little cloudy today!"
At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again! Maybe I can filter it better this time. What do you think?" The nurse fainted!
Post-Operative Shock
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
The Nervous Surgeon
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Comforting a Patient!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
A Great Physician
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Constipation Problem
An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.
"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, `I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
A short history of medicine
Doctor, I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 B.C. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!
Duck Hunting!
Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.
The general practitioner looked at it and said, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.
When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, "Hummmm... white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck," and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.
The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
Bad News!
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Hearing Aid!
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck, "You just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
