An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."
Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
BILL GATE DIES
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Not This Time
Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife.
“Have you been fooling around on me?”, the wife answered ..”Not this time…”
The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife.
“Have you been fooling around on me?”, the wife answered ..”Not this time…”
Friday, March 14, 2008
Saucy Jokes
Sip, Don't gulp
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Blind man.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
The Son of a Bitch
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i can do is suck the chocolate off them."
The sleep
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Alone
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Washington grouse
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."
Pope In New York.
The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license"
And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."
TWO PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.
6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.
Sindhi Special
What do you call :
A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani
ABCD
We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful
LAWYER JOKES
From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.
The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,bury twenty of them!"
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
ALIEN JOKES
The year is 2222 and Brandon and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Brandon asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Brandon asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
COWBOY JOKES
Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar.
Theyre tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just
relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other and smile.
One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."
Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead,
comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down,
smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well,
I
think that one must be a 4."
And the second cowboy agrees, and says, Yep, no arguin' there--she sure
is a 4."
Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just
watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous,
drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.
First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That
one has GOT to be a 6."
And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a
6."
Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real
sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the
first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing
there rating women??!?"
The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and
they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't
understand..."
She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have
you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"
She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating
system."
The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me
a SIX before."
The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"
The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well
ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my
face."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Blind man.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
The Son of a Bitch
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. No, not at all, the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right", the woman says, "Ever since i lost my teeth all i can do is suck the chocolate off them."
The sleep
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleepduring your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.
"...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Alone
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him."Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Washington grouse
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to"God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."
Pope In New York.
The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license"
And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!" So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope."
TWO PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well,
that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took
their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he
had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new
sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
DRIVING IN INDIA
Driving Hints for Newcomers to India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap,as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and proceed.Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the street or market.
6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). in a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may
encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
8. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang
off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.
Sindhi Special
What do you call :
A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thadani
A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani
A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Marjani
A communist Sindhi? Karl Lalwani
A Muslim Sindhi? Lalloo Katwani
A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi? Primlani
A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
A Sindhi fly? Makhija
A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani
ABCD
We all must have heard of ABCD=American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ =
American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways Xenophobic Yet Zestful
LAWYER JOKES
From centuries past, when barristers and solicitors did not mix:
Once, in Dublin, a solicitor came up to a barrister to beg a
subscription towards the funeral expenses of a brother solicitor who had died in
distressed circumstances.
The barrister at once tendered a pound note.
"Oh, I only want a shulling from each contributor" said the solicitor.
"Take it, my dear fellow," replied the barrister. "And while you're at
it,bury twenty of them!"
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large,
they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes
to get an ounce of brains?"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure and you passed away."
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by
a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But
according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he
first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took
out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing.
I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
ALIEN JOKES
The year is 2222 and Brandon and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Brandon asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Brandon asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
COWBOY JOKES
Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar.
Theyre tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just
relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other and smile.
One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."
Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead,
comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down,
smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well,
I
think that one must be a 4."
And the second cowboy agrees, and says, Yep, no arguin' there--she sure
is a 4."
Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just
watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous,
drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.
First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That
one has GOT to be a 6."
And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a
6."
Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real
sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the
first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing
there rating women??!?"
The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and
they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't
understand..."
She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have
you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"
She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating
system."
The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me
a SIX before."
The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"
The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well
ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my
face."
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Short Jokes
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Wedding jokes ...
Wedding jokes ...
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. "Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York".
100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...
100 reasons why it's good to be a bloke ...
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)